Elizabeth Smith: Overzealous SJW

Misogyny is all around me. It’s day 35 under this fascist regime and I see no clear end in sight. I am a warrior, a liberator of the working class and I am in the front lines on the fight against these Nazi conservatives.

I am Elizabeth Smith.

I look out the window of my airbnb and gaze at the San Francisco skyline, who knows what kind of injustice I’ll have to face today. I put on my favorite outfit, a supreme shirt, with skinny jeans, vans and an obey SnapBack, comb my armpit hair and without showering head out the door.

As an enforcer of justice, I am always armed to the teeth with pepper spray, switchblades, and quotes from last night’s MSNBC broadcast.

My first stop of the day is to my local eco and fair trade friendly coffee shop. I can feel the stares of these racist white men as I ride my bicycle down the middle of the road, because riding in the bike lane are for conformist, they have no idea how difficult it is to be a gender fluid sexual orientated fluid and race fluid person in today’s society. I repress the urge to smack their white privilege right off their faces and continue my ride.

I walk into my coffee shop. Sure it may cost $15 a cup but it’s all about workers dignity I think to myself, when all of a sudden the barista calls out “your coffee is ready ma’am” I stop dead in my tracks, I feel my fists clench and my muscles tighten as I glares at the previously unassuming barista and yell “HOW DARE YOU ASSUME MY GENDER YOU SEXIST PIG” then I whip out my can of pepper spray and proceed to lay waste to her and her misogyny until she runs away screaming and crying. I then take all the money out of the tip jar deciding that a sexist person like her would probably just give it to Neo-nazi groups anyway and walk out. I remind myself to leave a nasty review on yelp when I get home later.

I continue about my day shopping at Whole Foods, reading the huffington post and posting on my tumblr. I got on the subway to begin my ride home when I see something that makes my blood boil. A man just sitting there on a seat with his legs spread out way more then needed clearly manspreading in front of the entire bus. I cannot let this blasphemy continue I think and so I spring into action. I cleverly grab the cane from the elderly man standing next to me, who clearly doesn’t deserve it since he’s eating a GMO contaminated apple, and smash the man’s balls repeatedly while yelling “close your legs you misogynistic rapist!” When all of a sudden I get restrained by my fellow passengers. Why are you holding me back I’m saving you from this monster! I exclaim but to no avail, they must all be trump supporters I conclude.

I tried and tried to escape with all my might but I just couldn’t get out, when all of a sudden the bus hit a bump and apparently my head smashed against a metal pole and my world went dark. I woke up in a jail cell surrounded by fascist cops. Let me out you racist pigs! I yelled. No one responded for a while then finally a young cop came up and finally let me out of my cell saying that I was “free to go” and that he was “lucky no one is pressing charges”.

Tired and exhausted and banned from using public transportation I walked out of the police station called an uber and went home it had been another long day of fighting misogyny in the streets and I need my rest, for tomorrow an evil force was coming to speak at the university and I’ll be damned if I let that happen unpunished…

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